I woke up dirty and hungover basking in the heat of summer sun through the window glass. I felt the sweat on my back and remembered the night before – the beautiful brunette with the perfect smile. I flipped through my memories hoping to see one of her biting the matted pillow next to me but no one was there. Just a matted pillow full of drool stains, a few Bukowskis and an open Amis strewn about the edges. Oh yeah. Now I remember. How I watched her get in a cab with that mohawked fuckboy dumbshit in torn up skinny jeans and some of those giant holes in his ears like the tribe on Sentinel Island. Except he was from Chicago Illinois and his breath smelled like toes and cabbage.

I remembered the little ruffled grey miniskirt she wore, how her shirt barely contained her perfect breasts, how her panties flashed as she climbed in the cab with him, laughing, touching, all over each other. I thought about how much fun they must’ve had together, how many times he made her come, while I lay here and drooled.

I started stroking my cock to the thought of it all, trying to insert myself somewhere in the fantasy. I imagined going down on her, her having a very organized vagina. A neat little pussy, all clean and fresh. She seemed like the type of girl who got wet easily during ofreplay. Pulling her panties aside would release a gush of juice into my hand… Mmmm… I thought about her asshole and how nice and clean that must’ve been too. I’m not an asshole man by any die hard definition, but if a girl likes a finger or two, who am I to turn up my nose at such things. I’m no snob.

I came all over my stomach and lay there feeling helps like a baby. In my paralysis, I thought about how pathetic and lonely I was. I tried to get up but the vertigo was so strong my head fell back on the pillow and I passed out immediately.

When I woke up from this mini-nap, the jizz had hardened on my hands and stomach. All the hairs were crusty and stuck together and when I finally got up the roots kinda hurt in a good way.

I jumped in the shower and thought about all the things Mike said the night before. About how I gotta just game em, trick em, about how I have to be more aggressive, but I can’t just go in full aggressive and say shit like “Your ass makes me wanna fuck your face.” There’s a line, he says. In my defense I only said that because she wasn’t even listening to me at that point. It was a full ignore. I wanted her to slap me. React in any way at all to me. Mike said that the line “I think someone farted over here you wanna just go back to my place?” has not and will never work. On any girl. Ever. Even the ugly fat ones, he said. And every guy knows that getting rejected by an ugly chick is way more embarrassing than getting rejected by a hot one, he always says.

I remembered the details of her face… how beautiful she was from every angle, close up and far away, the way she looked at me before she lost interest that night… I hated myself for refusing to be the winner I looked to be.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked me. “Why can’t you just be normal? You’re a good looking guy, you have a deep voice, chicks are ATTRACTED to you … like … you’re the opposite of a dumb guy, but you need to do the same thing: just shut up. You don’t have to talk so much. It’s like you’re trying NOT to get laid I don’t get it!” Maybe I am. If she’s even considering fucking the Savage Cabbage then maybe I don’t even wanna put it in her. Then again… technically he’s the one that won and I’m the loser trying to justify that its better off that way but really I’m regretting and trying not to have to admit it to myself.

The soap kept falling out of my hands. Every time I bent over to pick it up I thought I was gonna vomit Kobe burgers.

It was all too much to think about. My head was starting to spin and I was getting horny again. I turned off the shower, opened the door and stubbed my toe proper as I climbed out of the iron maiden. I almost took the showerhead with me as a walking cane.

I made it to the computer limping from nothing but pure pain you pussy and sat down stark dripping naked in the chair. The glasses were right in front of me on the desk but it took me 2 full minutes to find them. I put them on and turned it on and grabbed the mouse with the right and my cock with the left. I went on that youporn site and looked through the front page for the new videos. Thank god for porn. Dirty young horny bastards like me could finally jerk off to weird shit in peace and quiet not having to bother anyone with our penises. Besides. Everyone was weird these days.

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