Lies are Better than the Truth

What can happen in 5 minutes? The length of a brief encounter or one that feels like it drags on for hours… A lot. A lot can go down. At any point right now, she could ask me about that one thing… Or something that triggers my thoughts about that one thing… And then the truth would leak… And I’d be stuck if even for a second before saving it. But she would know something’s wrong. Like in the movies when they hesitate and it looks all fake like a soap opera. And then she’d ask. And I’d deny and protest and attack and say it’s not fair for you to keep pressing me and everyone’s got a past! And she’ll approach me softly and say yeah but I want to share your past. And she’ll slowly reach up and touch my face. And for a second I’ll want her to but then… No. No. Some parts of the past shouldn’t be shared. With anyone. But we should be honest about everything, she’ll tell me. And if you don’t want to talk about it, then it must mean a lot. It’s true what she says but no, no it’s nothing that concerns you. It’s mine to deal with. And then I’ll walk to the sink and run the water because it’s loud and drowns all sound and I’ll start to wash dishes even if they’re clean while she stands there dumb and numb. It could happen at any minute, any second. To me. To you. To anyone. It may happen once. It may happen twice. Or many many times. But eventually you’ll be alone. Laying in your bed not moving anything but your eyelids, thinking about how it got so bad so quick. If only it never happened. If only I didn’t flinch like a bad actor from the start. Because the truth is, is that it doesn’t have to be worn on your sleeve. In fact, if you want to keep her / him, you should learn to play poker with your face. Because the goal is to keep fighting that moment of truth, angry painful truth, that does nothing but destroy bliss and passion and mystery. It’s like the magician revealing his secrets right after the trick. You say you want him to. But if he really does, you’ll never come back. Because lying to the face of your love, to your mother, to your father, to your sister, to your child, to your grandfather… lying is the ultimate act of selflessness. And lying well… well that’s the art. Just keep playing against it when you see the moment coming. That’s life. And becoming conscious of that… Is good acting. Lying without purpose is senseless and careless. But when it becomes deliberate and selfless, then it becomes an act of art and valor. Because lying accomplishes what truth wishes it could. Because lying creates the truth we want to hear. And I know you won’t agree with me now. But you’ll know. When you get to that place, you’ll feel that this is truth, here, on these pages somewhere. Even if your brain won’t let you make the connection. And when you jump off your bed and head to the kitchen and turn on the faucet full blast just so you can drown out the scary angry violent screams of an unfamiliar voice hurling eternal curses at your very hypocrisy inside your own head for the self sabotage you and only you are responsible for… then you’ll know. You’ll know what can happen in 5 minutes and last a lifetime.

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