Loser

Friday June 6, 2008

I came over to her apartment late at night and we laid on the floor staring at the ceiling thinking about each other. Her sister was sleeping in the bedroom and her parents would arrive in the morning. My parents had already gotten there the night before and were sound asleep in a shitty motel room with a leaky ceiling down on University Avenue not far from campus. I should have been ecstatic that this nightmare called “Stanford University” had finally come to an end. But it also meant that in 2 days we would have to break apart. She would go to Hong Kong or London or Paris or to whichever place her heart desired. I would go back to St. Louis Missouri and wait for summer to end so I could move to LA and start a job that I knew I would hate. But we didn’t talk about any of that now. We just lay there in silence. Her neck on my elbow as my fingers played barbed wire carpet threads and hers with the hairs around my navel. “Let’s make a plan,” she whispered. “That 3 years from now… no matter where we are, who we’re with, what our commitments are… that we’ll meet up somewhere.” “Ok.” “I’m serious.” “Oh I’m serious too. I’ll be there.” “But where?” “How bout… New York.” “The… New York Public Library.” “On the steps. Outside.” “Like… 4PM.” “What date?” “Whatever today is… Friday. 3 years from now.” I grabbed my new Blackberry Pearl with the hand that was pulling the threads out of the carpet. “Friday… June 10, 2011.” “Done.” “Done.” “I’m serious.” “I know you are.” Silence again. “Just promise me…” “I’ll be there. There’s no way…” “No. Promise me that we’ll never be Facebook friends.” She smiled and winked. I kissed her under the winking eye. “I would never belittle us like that.” “Good.” We kept staring at that ceiling trying to stop time and savor the moment but eventually it was morning.

Friday June 10, 2011

I arrived at JFK at 9:30AM on a red-eye from LA. I took the Friday and the following Monday off, just in case it all worked out the way I pictured it in my mind for the past 3 years. 3 difficult years. Mike picked me up from the airport in that old Camry he’d had since high school. “What do you wanna do today?” “Let’s get some food first.” “Yeah but after?” “The city.” “Where?” “Somewhere around the New York Public Library. I gotta be there around 3.” “Wait so where are you staying are you staying with me tonight?” “Maybe. If she doesn’t show.” “You don’t even know if she’s coming?” “That’s the point.” “When’s the last time you talked?” “I sent her some horrible email while I was high and lonely about a year ago.” “Hahaha what did you say?” “I dunno. Something fucked up about how if you look up autofelatio on Wikipedia they actually have a picture of some guy sucking his own dick.” “Hahahaha are you serious?” “About what? That being true or actually sending her that email?” “Both.” “Yes. To both. Let’s get a bagel, Jew boy.” “Eye eye Captain Bojangles.”

We ate at some kosher bagel place in Brooklyn and made our way into the city around 1. “How long are you gonna be at the Public Library for?” “I dunno. Hopefully till Monday. Hopefully we’ll just sit there for a few days and not talk.” “You’re insane.” “Says the orthodox Jew who loves getting blowjobs in the backseat of his car.” “Hey whatever man God didn’t say anything about blowjobs. Or anal. And premarital sex isn’t even that bad. So long as its with a shiksa. So hava nagila and shit.” “Does the girl have to say a bracha before she blows you? Borei pri ha penis?” “No only when she washes her hands after she spins the dreidel.” “Listen, I’m gonna keep my shit in your car. I didn’t really bring much anyway.” “Sure thing sexy. I’ll keep it warm in the backseat for ya.”

Mike dropped me off at the library around 2 and gave me the address of the place he was staying for Shabbat. He wouldn’t be able to pick up his phone after 5 but if I just came and buzzed the door his buddy would let me in.

I sat down on the third step from the top and watched the crowd for a sign of her. I was sure I’d be able to spot her face. She didn’t look like anybody I had ever seen before. Or since. I sat there until 7. Then I got up and slowly started walking up 5th Ave towards 82nd street.

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