My Last Night in Israel

My last night in Israel was a wild success. I started drinking at the hotel by myself at some point in the middle of wheel of fortune. By the time that bitch was ready to solve the puzzle, which was clam digger, I finished smoking a whole pack of Marlboro lights into the Tel Aviv sky. Before long, the whole gang and their mothers packed into the hotel room. It was all very civilized until someone sparked a joint and then we were off to the insanity races. The riff raff cleared and only the truly insane remained. I started walking around in my t-shirt and jacket but I lost the pants and underwear. I guess I just wanted to be warm and cool at the same time. I was eating a hot dog watching the scene. 2 guys and 2 girls were playing strip twister on one bed. Mike had written down sexual dares on 3×5 notecards and together with a regular pair of dice he went to work on convincing Hanni she needed to suck his dick tonight. Everyone was having an amazing time. Except Danny. Danny couldn’t stop talking about politics. And if there’s one thing I hate more than kikes and racists its politics. Not only that, he was talking American politics. It was election season after all and the guy hated Obama. Personally, I hate anyone who even has an opinion when it comes to politics. As far as I’m concerned that whole industry’s no better than celebrity gossip paparazzi and US Weekly. Danny was spewing some shit to this gorgeous girl he’d never fuck or even touch with a finger for that matter because Danny was shomer negiya. Shomer Negiya is a concept in orthodox Judaism that prevents you from touching another person of the opposite sex. Think of it as being a priest until you’re married. I watched him talk to this Shayna chick. His face was red and twisted into a rage. His mouth was spewing hate and spit. Shayna was downright scared for her life. She kept glancing at the balcony where the army boys were sparking up another joint of that Cali Cali goodness. Complements por moi of course.

I had to swoop her out covert half naked man mission style. Danny had seen my cock many times before but he still feigned disgust when I put my arm around his shoulder. Funny enough, Shayna was staring at the boys unrepentantly. “Did you know that the giant tortoise is the longest living animal on the planet?” I asked as the index finger that was attached to the hand around Danny swirled his drink and flicked it at the side of his face. Shayna laughed. I smiled. “Let me give you the grand tour here” I said as I put the other arm around her shoulder and left Danny standing in his place. “Would you like a hot dog?” She laughed. We walked around the tiny room. I glanced back at Danny. He looked lonely and pissed and he had to have known he had no chance in hell with her. He was just another loud ginger Jew desperately wanting to be heard. Guys like that need to be walked all over to learn their lesson. “Over here is the royal bed.” I said pointing at what was once the twister bed. Now a sad sight – two girls passed out on the mat and the 2 guys just lying next to them, staring at them with big horny eyes while fingers rub boobs and legs touch bodies hoping mouths and vaginas would wake the fuck up. Shayna laughed. “Over here, we have Mike and Hanni…” Mike was making out with Hanni but every time he went for the ass she stopped him. It wasn’t long before Mike would tell her off for being a cocktease and leave the girl crying, lost, confused but intact with the vestigial morals she inherited from her conservative father and mother. I took another bite of the hot dog. Shayna laughed again. She was diggin me diggin the scene. “And finally, over here, the last bastion of insanity in this civilized boring world of ours, the balcony!” The balcony was popping. Laughter, a girl without her bra holding her boobs laughing likely the result of some practical joke went totally right and Shayna laughing and I’m smiling and I kill the hot dog and we move slowly and carefully to the sliding door as my hand slid up and down Shayna’s back and when I feel the fresh air on my face and my balls we are suddenly met with yells and cheers and ews and “holy shits!” Like seeing a crazy old war vet enter the room. Like seeing Buk with his minced dove assholes at the great zen wedding. I rejoined my joint and gave her a long passionate kiss with my eyes closed. I shotgunned the smoke into Shayna’s mouth. It was warm and cavernous and her lips were perfect rolls of jelly on my tongue as I lightly brushed along the upper one slowly. Like. So. I heard the laughs and ews from the balcony crowd and realized my dick was hard. Shayna looked down and clapped her hand to her face but not her eyes. “Put that thing away man! Holy shit!” But he was looking too and I just stood there proud with my hands on my hips breathing in the night air. The boys were scared but laughing. They knew I was a nut. Just last night I arranged to move the toilet from the bathroom to the hotel lobby as I sat on it with my shorts down reading the newspaper upside down. But I didn’t actually shit. And when the police came I tucked into a mangina and they all laughed. They took me to the drunk tank even though I wasn’t even drunk. Mike came and bailed me out but I had to pay him back in booze.

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