I Hear ICM is Hiring

ICM is breeding the perfect human in the basement. I know because I was a big part of it.

I had just quit when Joey called me. “Hey man how’s it going?” “Good” I said as I took another rip from the bong. “I just quit my job” “Oh shit nice! Good for you! What happened or were you just done?” “I’m just done with this shit dude. All these jobs, they just exist so the guy above you has someone to do his job for him and its all boring and lifeless and dull and eventually you turn you a mindless faceless drone that walks and talks the same as everyone else and but even then they still keep trying to change you and just… yeah. I dunno. I was already fed up with it and I was just waiting for that last straw. And then when I came in to work this morning there it was, a long yellow straw, just sitting there waiting for me on my chair.” Maybe I shoulda been a writer like that teacher once told me. “Oh nice. Life’s weird like that huh?” “Yeah.” Joey worked at ICM in the mail room. But recently he got promoted. “Hey listen that’s actually good timing cuz I’m working for a special project over here. Basically, ICM is breeding a perfect human in the basement and they’re looking for genetic material. It’ll only take a few minutes – you come in, they check you out and if you got something they want, they’ll take a swab of your DNA and pay you like 5 grand.” I almost choked on a bong rip. Sounded like the perfect gig for me. “5 grand?!” I only had 200 bucks left after those ugly bastards made me pay back part of the signing bonus cuz I couldn’t last the full 2 years. Maybe I shoulda been a scientist. “You interested?” “Do trannies have dicks?” Joey laughed so hard I thought he pissed all over the keyboard. I knew I shoulda been a comedian, like she told me that one time after I made her laugh and come at the same time. “Just name the time and place baby.”

Joey set it all up. I even got free parking in the garage. My appointment was at 3:30 but I got over there around 3 and didn’t feel like waiting. I felt special walking in there high as fuck in my ripped jeans and dirty white t-shirt while all those little faggot clones in Etro suits ran around all important like. I felt special. I felt good for the first time in a long time. Funny how just this morning I looked exactly like these douchebags. I couldn’t help but smile as I made my way into the office to see the Head of New Media. When I walked in they were in the middle of some big meeting. The secretary was on the phone so I just walked right in. “Uh excuse me? Who are you?” Everyone was looking at me. Just yesterday I would have melted under the gaze and slumped out a loser, scared and sweating, hating myself for making a fool of me in their eyes. But today was different. I wasn’t confident. I just truly didn’t give a fuck. It made me feel superior. “Oh no worries, you guys finish up, take your time.” I took a seat next to a pretty blonde. She stared at me incredulously. Contemptuously. Or any other adjectively. I smiled at her and winked. Then I leaned over and checked out the meeting notes on her yellow legal pad. I hadn’t missed much. I gave her the thumbs up and a wink and then leaned against the palm of my hand dreamily smiling at the Big Man himself. He couldn’t believe the balls on this guy. Maybe I could have been a CEO after all. But the thought alone disgusted me now. I was worthy of his respect regardless, just like his worthless wife and his nagging mother who were useless to him now too but they had enforced some sense of societal norm and general respect for others in him too. Although who knows what the fuck he was thinking as he stared at me for a good 30 seconds without moving. But something clicked because suddenly he said “Alright everybody out.” The sheeple obaaaaayed. I gave the blonde a knowing wink and a little wave as I watched her leave.

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