Grandma

Sasha! Sasha! You won’t believe what happened to me today. I was sitting in my chair with my leg up in the other chair. The left leg. You know my other little small puffy chair? Reading a book. Minding my own business. American Idol was on. This girl was singing but I didn’t like how she looked. When suddenly… I felt… on my leg… and I look down and I see… not a spider but a horse! A horse on my leg! I screamed. Aah! He got scared. Jumped off the train. I saw him running around with those long legs of his. What? Yeah! Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big I tell you! So he’s running around the rug. And I get my shoe off. And I run up to him and he runs the other way! I ran the other way, he runs back this way! I run back this way, he goes through my legs. I screamed. Aah! He got scared. Ran back to me. I smash him once. I think he’s dead. But he’s not! He gets up. Strong horse this guy. I hit him again! He skeeps running! What? I tell you he was thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big! I’m NOT exaggerating! Do you want to hear the story or not? Then stop interrupting me! So I hit him 3 times in the head. He stops moving. Dancing in the Stars is singing. Simon is telling her he doesn’t like her face either. I like Simon. I see the ground moving. He’s up! Took a nap! I try to hit him a 4th time but I miss and he runs zhooop right under my chair! Well. I can’t sit there anymore. I sit on the couch. I watch. Not Dancing with the Stars like I should be but the ground under the chair. I held that shoe in my fist and wore the other on my foot. I watched. 2 minutes. And then. Zhooooop! He flies right out on his invisible bicycle, faster than I ever seen before I swear he must be in a circus, Sasha! And he starts coming at me! At ME! I screamed! Ahhh! Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big I swear to you! I pull my feet up on the couch. He stopped right in front of me. I looked at him. He looked at me. I saw his eyes. They were human I tell you! I spit on him. He didn’t move. I closed my fist around that shoe and I bent down and I walloped him right in his dirty head once. Twice. And he wasn’t moving. I hit him again. And then again for good measure. I ran to the bathroom. I was so scared that when I came back his body wouldn’t be there. Your parents were gone and I was all alone at home! What? Well he could have risen from the dead again! Finally I picked him up with the toilet paper and flushed him straight to hell. That’s the third time this month! On my leg! Its horrible! Mila! Bring me a glass of water! I’m thirsty! Mila! She never listens to me. She doesn’t care. But you do. You’re the only one that cares! You’re the only one that listens to me and feels bad for me because they don’t listen! They don’t try to… teach me. What are you doing? Are you eating? I don’t want to distract you from eating. When you have more time we’ll talk. We’ll talk. As long as that horse doesn’t eat me. Maybe he has a wife? Do you think she’s angry? I love you!

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