And in Other News…

In other news, a grandmother, seemingly passed on, disappeared from her casket 2 weeks after she was pronounced dead. She was kept in the morgue for the two weeks and her body was transferred to the casket that very morning but during the procession, it was discovered by the bearers that her casket was in fact empty. The confused party continued with the funeral regardless and buried an empty coffin, giving their farewells with a confused air. When the family returned to their house, they found grandma in the kitchen eating cereal. The family at first believed her to be the walking dead. When interviewed regarding how she felt, she merely said that after sleeping for so long she was pretty hungry.

In other news, Adrian Rowland, a local business man, slashed his wrists, throat, and stomach while on a Skype call with his girlfriend. The woman stated that he was “in a state” seemingly resembling something of a nervous breakdown when the man went to kitchen, broke a glass, returned on screen and then stuck it right in his neck.

In other news, a young man named Sam Hargrove realized he’ll never be a surgeon despite finishing medical school because the match program in this country is absolutely broken. Oh well. Good luck Sam! I hear you can always find a quick buck on the bankroll of a big pharmaceutical company.

In other news, Kendall Jenner is being a naughty teen as she texts and drives. Several motorists have tweeted seeing Jenner swerve in her $90K Range Rover SUV on the 405 Highway. The Range Rover was her 16th birthday present from momager Kris Jenner, a woman who’s been selling flesh by the pound since she realized she’s a worthless cunt with a retarded brain. Oh my did I just say that? Thank god for that 5 second delay here at the station.

In other news, a man stabbed his brother over a McDonald’s brownie this morning. Erik “Eggs” Cain reportedly became so enraged at his brother who cut the brownie in half that he stabbed him with several various steak knives in the living room. Guess he was loving it and not sharing it. Hahahaha.

And in other news, new research indicates that psilocybin, the active ingredient in magic mushrooms commonly ingested by college students and aging hippies, may in fact act as a long-acting antidepressant. Psychedelics, generally described as mind expanding drugs, have been commonly thought to increase brain activity. Surprisingly, research shows that psilocybin actually decreases activity in the areas of the brain with the densest connections to other areas within the brain. These “brain hubs” constrain our experience of the world around us and keep things orderly. Deactivating these regions leads to an acute state that experiences the world as strange, but long-term effects decrease mPFC activity, which in turn improves one’s sense of emotional well-being and decreases anxiety.

In other news yawning is contagious and may aid us in identifying sociopaths around us. A new study shows that yawning occurs at a faster rate among family and friends than strangers. The time between the initial yawn and another person’s yawn may therefore be a sign of empathy between people – those who have empathy disorders will obviously not be affected by even a close relative’s yawn.

And in other news, a mother of 2 recorded herself smoking meth on her cell phone camera just moments before she shot her husband, her 2 kids and herself in a murder suicide that left neighbors shocked this morning. Wait… did I already do this story today… Oh ok. Never mind folks. This is a different one. This one happened in Missoula, Montana. Hahaha. My apologies. Boy I feel silly.

Anyways… in other news a psychologist implanted horrific memories into a local woman during several hypnosis sessions so that she’d come back and continue getting therapy. The woman believed she had been a victim of drug abuse, had been in a cult where she took part in satanic worship, eating babies, and also was a victim of a bit of rape. The psychologist claims these accusations are ludicrous and the patient is simply unhappy with the treatment that she received for services rendered by the psychologist. Experts say that implanting false memories may be possible but more likely is the possibility of the patient’s brain misinterpreting actual memories stored within the brain. Something that happened years ago can be encoded in the brain in various ways, and various in combination of those memories may be retrieved (or not) in various ways, for various reasons, at any point in time.

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